Prayer Cross

The Prayer Cross - if you haven't seen it, it's the most epic informercial you will ever see...



What sets this informercial apart from others is the wonderful story it weaves for us.

Cue the dramatic music - like every good story, it starts with its own version of "Once Upon a Time..."

Is that book writing itself?!  Did they just forget to finish that page, because it sure looks like the rest of the pages that follow it are done...

And then, our cast of characters is introduced - life is wonderful and everyone couldn't be happier, or so they think...

For our purposes, we're going to call them Anabel and Judy.  Anabel gazes in amazement... that's all fine and dandy when it's not on your neck.  But, what do you do if someone wants to view it while you have it on?  Do you have to take it off?  But, that would completely ruin your Prayer Cross ensemble, Judy!

I guess they couldn't find a wedding ring that actually fit this actress... and an unwed woman is not very Christian.  Even nuns are married... and we need to sell some jewelry here, people!

Then, suddenly, surprise!  Conflict!  Judy's husband is giving jewelry to another woman!

This red-headed bitch is NOT Judy.  I mean, just look how surprised she is to be getting jewelry!  She stares at the box for a good while before he opens it, but is still surprised... how unexpected!  There's ugly jewelry in that jewelry box!  It's only unexpected he's not your husband... That cheating bastard... Judy and Anabel deserve better than you.

And then, just in case you were not aware of what the Christian-Approved holidays are, here is a list.

And cue dramatic ending music.  I feel like the conflicts presented to us in this informercial were not resolved nearly well enough, but the music tells me that the story is over.  It's not that I haven't seen the same 4 shots enough at this point - I just feel like there's a scene missing.  The one where Judy throws down the cross necklace at her husband's feet and storms away.  Perhaps they film this in slow motion so that they can show the durability of the necklace when it doesn't shatter all over the floor?  Yeah, that's what is missing.

This epic product can be found here.

Shake Weight for Men

Shake Weight for Men: You'll Get Strong, Toned, Ripped Arms & Chest

I've never visited a product's website so fast in my life:



Oh, what to say...  The highlights:

I'm sorry, shake weight, but there was no way to not make this look bad.  And then, on top of that you give us these muscle men making these faces and noises that can only lead us to one conclusion - workout with the shake weight and you'll be able to jerk off like a pro in no time - money back guarantee.

You heard the man, can you?

This fine product can be found here.

Easy Curves

Easy Curves: Lifts, Firms, and Enlarges



The first time I saw this commercial it was 2:00am and I was very tired.  And, in that state, this product is rather frightening!  Seriously, those are not natural-boob movements...

The highlights:

Yes, I too sit on my bed, squeezing my boobs together while holding and jerking off a giant phallic double-headed pogo stick.  And take a look at that bed post... a little dramatic for "easy curves," don't you think?  And wait... is that a light-up pineapple behind her?!

"I actually just looked down while I was doing it and I could see my breast muscles moving!"  Oh, honey... what did you expect to see?  You knew what you were getting yourself into when you started the workout, right?

And where exactly are you looking, missy?  You are suppose to be checking out your new, firm breasts - not giving sexy eyes to the guy with the boom mic.  Eyes on the prize, sweetheart... eyes on the prize.

Oh easy curves, thank you for giving pre-pubescent boys something to jerk off to...


This fine product can be found here.